Many people who live with chronic pain also live with another huge burden – guilt.
The Damaging Burden of Guilt
We struggle with the pain. We struggle with the stress of living with it. And sometimes, we struggle with all-consuming guilt, which can ultimately affect both our mental and physical health.
Guilt is a heavy weight to be shackled to. We can’t carry it; instead, we drag it behind us, slowing every move. We really don’t need that in our lives. Our pain gives us more than enough to cope with.
Guilt Uses Energy We Don’t Have
Pain is like a 4×4 gas guzzler: it burns more fuel than we can afford. Our tank empties quickly. We run out. We’re stranded with no reserves, needing to wait before we can refill. Sometimes it takes days, even weeks, to get that tank back to full.
Guilt makes the drain even faster because it consumes a surprising amount of energy.
Energy is a scarce commodity. If we could ditch guilt, we’d free up some of the precious energy we already have so little of. Everyday life is demanding enough without wasting energy we can’t afford to lose.
We Can’t Let Ourselves Be Burdened with Guilt
It’s a difficult emotion to stop, isn’t it? Perhaps some of these reasons for feeling guilty sound familiar:
- You believe you are a burden to your family.
- You don’t have the energy or capability to do everyday tasks and chores, or look after your family.
- You may be unable to work, and therefore unable to contribute financially to the household.
- If you can work, you might feel that you can’t pull your weight due to pain and low energy. You might also feel guilty about taking sick leave, worrying you’re letting others down.
- You feel you rely too much on other people, financially or physically.
- You might be a student, struggling with coursework.
- You don’t visit people or keep in touch as much as you’d like, or you feel guilty for cancelling plans at the last minute due to pain’s unpredictability.
- You blame yourself because you have no social life.
- You’re always tired. You need a lot of sleep. You may have put on weight. You’re unable to exercise. You feel guilty for not being the person you want to be any more.
- You forget things and lose track of conversations because of brain fog from pain or medication.
- You might believe you’re not good enough – as a husband, wife, parent, child, sibling, friend or colleague – because the pain affects everything in your life.
- You just feel guilty – for no other reason than being you.
I Feel Guilty for Being Me
A few years ago, I wrote those exact words on an old blog: “I feel guilty for being me.” I shared the post with other people who live with trigeminal neuralgia, and so many said, “me too.”
But the only person who made me feel guilty was me – nobody else ever did.
I don’t feel that way now. I refuse to.
No one should feel guilty for being themselves just because they live with chronic pain. It’s not their fault. They didn’t ask for it. They don’t deserve it. They shouldn’t feel guilty.
How to Overcome the Burden of Guilt
We need to let go of guilt because it’s unnecessary and harmful to our health and well-being. Besides, we already have more than enough to deal with, don’t we?
12 Tips to Help You Ditch the Guilt
1 – Make a List
Try making a list of the reasons you feel guilty. Study each one and ask yourself whether there’s anything you could do differently. Most likely, you are already doing the best you can – and that’s reason enough not to feel guilty.
2 – Ask for Reassurance
You might think you’re a burden, but your friends and family probably don’t see it that way. Share how you’re feeling – it’s better to talk than keep it bottled up.
3 – Ask for Help
If you’re struggling to look after your children, tell someone. And when people offer help, accept it – without guilt. Never feel bad about needing support. After all, you live with a chronic condition.
4 – Set Priorities
Decide which tasks and chores are most important. Everything else can wait for a better day. And again, ask for help. Don’t feel guilty for not cooking elaborate meals or for a toddler’s fingerprints on the windows – those things don’t matter.
5 – See Your Doctor
People with chronic pain often experience depression and anxiety, which can intensify feelings of insecurity and guilt. Medications, therapy, or counselling could help.
6 – Learn to Say No – Without Guilt
It takes time to learn but saying no is an act of self-care. You know how your body will respond. If something is worth some extra pain, say yes. If it’s not, say no – without guilt.
7 – Consider Alternatives
If you can’t do something, try planning a workable alternative. Rather than going out for coffee with friends, invite them to visit you. Find ways to participate that suit both you and them.
8 – It’s Not My Fault
Write those words where you’ll see them often – on a Post-it on the fridge, as a computer screensaver, or on every page of your journal. Repetition reinforces the truth.
9 – Set Realistic Goals
Small achievements are huge victories. Create achievable goals and celebrate them. If you miss one, don’t worry – tomorrow is a new day.
10 – Be Proud of Yourself
You live with pain every day. It’s a constant struggle, yet you keep going. Take pride in that.
11 – Love Yourself
It’s not just okay – it’s essential – to love yourself. Be kind to yourself. Spend time on activities you enjoy – hobbies, reading, or even a spa visit.
12 – Advice You’d Give to a Friend
Ask yourself: “What advice would I give a friend in my exact situation?” The answer is probably: “Ditch the guilt.”
Unburden Yourself
I hope you don’t carry the burden of guilt because you live with chronic pain. If you do, I hope these tips help you work towards letting it go.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post – please leave a comment below. Please share this post – together, we can encourage other people who live with chronic pain to ditch their guilt.
Thank you so much for reading.
If this post resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
And feel free to share it with your friends or support groups.
Take care,
Liz.
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Set yourself free ~ ditch the guilt
I really enjoyed reading this. Conquering guilt is such a valuable lesson to learn – and feeling guilty is such waste of time and energy.
Excellent suggestions to manage those feelings.
Glad you enjoyed it, Trish. You’re right, it’s such a waste of time and energy. We need it for other things.
Eugh, this is so spot on. I’ve felt a sometimes overwhelming sense of guilt, sometimes because I feel I’m not doing enough, other times for no reason other than that I’m sorry for being the way I am with no specific reason. Guilt can be utterly devastating. But you’re right, we didn’t ask for this, we shouldn’t apologise, we have every right to happiness without guilt. Great post! xx
Yes, it is devastating and it can destroy some people. We deserve happiness. We have so much to deal with living with pain, we shouldn’t allow guilt to take away happiness.
Thanks for commenting.
My mom is suffering with chronic pain right now and your blog really hit home with me. I can see some of this guilt she carries around with her and I’m going to make sure I can do whatever I can for her not to feel this way.
Hi Shannah, I hope you are able to reassure your Mom. Some things she could work at herself, but getting your reassurance, will be a major starting point for her.
I hope her pain isn’t too bad just now.
Thanks for commenting.
I can relate. When I was diagnosed with epilepsy and had my driving privileges revoked, I felt like a burden having to be driven around everywhere and felt a great deal of guilt about this as well. What I kept reminding myself is that if I drove in my condition, I would not only be putting my own life in danger but others’ lives as well.
That’s so right. You could have been endangering other people’s lives, so you had definitely no reason to feel guilty.
I was the caregiver of someone with chronic pain for quite a while. I think, as a caregiver, we often struggle with what the other person actually needs from us. We don’t want them to feel guilty, but sometimes we need to know what is needed. In most cases, this person didn’t even have the energy to explain what they needed. It’s quite a struggle both physically and mentally!
I often say that caregivers have a hard time. They don’t always get enough credit for what they do. It must be a struggle sometimes, especially if the person isn’t able to explain their needs.
Guilt is a very difficult thing for people to deal with and it certainly is a tough emotion for many. Somewhere there has to be a balance. You should never feel as though you’re being a burden. I think some problems with guilt is caused by a lack of communication. Ask for help as you say.
Definitely! If people could just talk, their lives could be so much easier. Emotions like guilt can affect their physical health.
I don’t suffer from chronic pain, but I have dealt with depression all my life. It is interesting to see the parellels in effects and remedies.
Mary, I have a post in my to-do list about just that. Pain comes in many forms, depression is one of them. It’s an illness, just like pain and also like pain, it’s not always understood.
I don’t know any family who would consider their chronically ill loved one a burden. True family accepts you as you are and helps as much as they can. Sometimes, though, you do need to articulate your needs–they’re aren’t mind readers.
I’m sure you’re right, but I think sometimes people get that thought into their head, then believe it.
Very powerful post. I think a lot of times we tell ourselves stories and just assume others have those same perceptions.
Thanks Rachael. Yes, exactly, we tell ourselves stories about how other people must feel about us, and believe them.
I don’t suffer from chronic pain but found this still very beneficial. Can’t wait to share. Unfortunately a lot of people struggle with guilt in general.
You’re right, many people do suffer from guilt. Perhaps some of the suggestions here will help people with or without pain.
This is definitely a much needed post, especially with the lives that we live and the things that we undergo. I like that you offered some great tips to overcome this guilt!
Thanks Hedy. I hope the tips help people.
Very helpful post. Definitely a lot of times the way we explain things and real stories and just assume others have those same perceptions and will help them too.
Thank you. Glad you found it helpful
As a former fundamentalist Christian, I need this list. I am going to use the tools you offer to heal from chronic guilt. And then sit back amd watch chronic pain lessen. Thank you!
Love your tips! Setting realistic goals is huge!! Not just for the chronically ill, but also my healthy friends and family.
What a great post! Something relevant to all of us. Excellent tips, too. Found you through Chronic Illness Bloggers and sharing this!
Sue
Living with ME/CFS
I have been living with chronic pain for the last two and a half years after a bad auto accident left me permanently injured and in constant pain. I’ve been struggling with guilt for the past few months as I’ve been getting more and more disabled. I used to be able to do everything for my husband, all the house chores, laundry, pets, grocery shopping, etc. Now I cant even get to the store to pick up a 12 pack if soda for him and I know how frustrated he gets because of it. I know its not me he’s mad at, its the situation. But its so hard not to take it personally, its so hard not to feel guilty. I cant do half of what I used to be able to. I would give anything to be able to take care of things again to take them off my husbands list. Its not fair to him.
Maggie, I understand. But please do try not to put a guilt trip on yourself. This isn’t your fault. Talk to your husband so he knows how you feel. I wrote a post a few weeks ago about being proud of your achievements, no matter how big or small they are. Perhaps you could find small things you are able to do and celebrate them. I know it’s not the same, but burdening yourself with guilt over the things you can’t do will affect your health.
Thank you for your advice, I took it and showed my husband your post and let him know how I was feeling. And he said the same thing, its not my fault and we can get through this together. One day at a time. Thank you for sharing this post with the world, you are giving strength to so many. Please keep it up, we need people like you lighting the way.
Hi Maggie, I am so glad that you talked to your husband. Keeping those feelings inside just seems to amplify them, doesn’t it? Sounds like you have a lovely, supportive husband. Take care of yourself.
I have Chronic neuropathic pain.
I feel constantly guilty that I should exercise to keep muscle strength , but can’t motivate myself to do routine exercises. . Or go to classes or the pool when the virus Is not preventing it.
It is a vicious circle. I know I would probably be stronger , live longer , keep more mobile if I moved and stretched more. But aches and pain plus fatigue stop me . So my slow deterioration is my fault. I know the answer is get up and do it, but something stops me
My chronic pain journey is now entering its 3rd decade. It has intensified since my retirement in 2015 and it seems that every time we crest a hill expecting to see an oasis we see more desert. After each cresting I can see and feel my wife’s spirit being depleted a little more and her exhaustion more palpable and her resentment increasing all of which I completely understand. You see I was her caregiver during her cancer journey. It was a different journey of course and one huge difference is that my chronic pain journey has lasted 10 times as long as hers with no end in sight. The main issue is that I have started talking less about what I am actually feeling ob the emotional and physical levels and that is not healthy. We need to get out of this rut we are stuck in.
Hi Robert, it’s so difficult, isn’t it. I understand that feeling of no end being in sight. Your wife probably understands more that you realise, so try to talk to her about how you are feeling. Or speak to your doctor. The longer those emotions are trapped inside, the more difficult it becomes to release them.
Take care.