I was recently contacted by a publishing company to ask if I would be interested in reading and reviewing a self-help book. The title, “The Chronic Pain Couple”, intrigued me so I said yes. They emailed me a link so I could download a copy of the book free of charge.
The author, Karra Eloff, is an Australian health professional who lives with chronic pain. Karra has spondyloarthritis, a type of arthritis that, for her, inflames the spine, sacroiliac joints and peripheral joints. It has also resulted in inflammation where ligaments and tendons attach to bone and it has affected various organs.
Karra Understands How Chronic Pain Can Affect a Couple
Because she lives with pain, the advice she gives in her book comes from her own lived experience. She understands the pain and everything that comes with pain like fatigue and mental health problems. And she understands how much chronic pain can affect a couple’s relationship.
Relationships aren’t always easy. There can be many hurdles for any couple to get over but once you add chronic pain into the mix, those hurdles can become even more difficult to get over. Karra understands this and wants to help people get over those hurdles. She believes that couples can have good relationships despite their pain. Not just a good relationship – a “remarkable” relationship.
Karra talks about her own pain and how it affected her relationship with her husband initially. When her pain first started, she and her husband often said, “When the pain gets better…”. But that turned out to be wishful thinking. I’m sure many of us recognise that sentiment. I know that I often wish for better days that don’t come.
Karra and her husband realised that her pain wasn’t going to get better so they needed to find a way to ensure their relationship was fulfilled, intimate and loving, despite the pain. And that’s what she wants for her readers.
I Have Chronic Pain – My Husband Has to Live With My Chronic Pain
I often say that I’m not the only one who has to deal with my pain. My husband has to deal with it too. He’s my carer as well as my husband. My pain affects his life. Ian works from home so he’s here when I need him. He has more household tasks to do as well as working and caring for me.
He knows my pain more than anyone, including myself sometimes. But he also sees what the pain does to me emotionally as well as physically. Not many other people see that side of my life.
I know he ‘gets it’. But it can’t be easy for him.
In Sickness and In Health – Celebrating 30 Years Together
We’ve been married for over thirty years and Ian knew about my pain before we got married. I was never fit and healthy, climbing mountains or running marathons. So my chronic pain didn’t come along as a shock a few years into our marriage.
I suppose, in some ways, that might have made it easier for us. But, nevertheless, chronic pain plays a significant role in our relationship.
Chronic Pain Can Affect a Couple’s Relationship Significantly
I’ve been a member of a few pain support groups for many years. One of the most common discussions revolves around relationships.
I often see comments such as:
- “They don’t get it.”
- “They don’t understand what I’m dealing with.”
- “I feel guilty because my pain is affecting my relationship.”
- “I feel like a burden to my partner and family.”
- “I’m in too much pain and too tired to even think about my relationship.”
The Chronic Pain Couple by Karra Eloff
Karra’s book, The Chronic Pain Couple, talks about those and other common issues and tries to guide people through the process of getting their relationship back on track. It will hopefully help couples who are finding those relationship hurdles too big a struggle.
She discusses all things that are part of being in a relationship like communicating and handling conflict. And she doesn’t shy away from discussing sex – there’s a section of her book devoted to it.
Her book could help you to explain your pain and your feelings in a way that could make your partner understand and have more empathy. It could also help them to feel included which could help to strengthen your relationship.
Karra recognises that some partners might struggle to know how to support you. She suggests how you can guide your partner to give you the help and support you need.
Mental Health and Chronic Pain
Mental health is often impacted greatly by chronic pain and Karra doesn’t skip over this gently. She has suffered herself so understands. This is a quote from her book:
“Depression is a real, disabling, physical illness, causing immense suffering and hopelessness. Don’t let anyone convince you it is something you should ‘snap out of’.”
The Power of Negative Thoughts
Karra talks about the importance of self-care, resting and banishing those feelings of guilt.
She also talks about the power of negative thoughts and jumping to conclusions. For example, you might think you’re a burden or you’re lazy. You might really believe it. Then you start to believe that’s what your partner thinks about you too.
Karra offers some suggestions which might stop you from having those thoughts in the first place.
The Chronic Pain Couple – Support Needs to Work Both Ways
Karra also talks a lot about looking after the mental health of the ‘healthier’ person in the relationship. Being a partner of someone with chronic pain often means also being their carer. Caring full-time can be extremely draining.
Family Carers Deserve More Support and Gratitude
Karra reminds her readers that the carer needs support too. As she says in her book, nobody can pour from an empty cup:
“Remember, relationship satisfaction hinges on both partners’ emotional well-being, so it’s time to focus on how you can practically support your other.”
I Don’t Think This Book is Just for Couples
The Chronic Pain Couple is a self-help book aimed at couples who are dealing with chronic pain. However, I got more than that from the book.
I’m sure it could help couples but I found so much in this book that would be helpful for anyone living with chronic pain.
Let’s face it, the most important relationship we have is the relationship we have with ourselves. I think it could help people to feel better about themselves, prioritise themselves and love themselves.
The book looks at topics such as grieving the life you lost, acceptance of chronic pain and learning to live with a new normal. Those are such important topics for anyone who lives with chronic pain.
Karra reminds her readers of their self-worth, that they’re worthy of loving and being loved. She also talks about keeping dreams alive. Dreams don’t have to disappear entirely because of chronic pain. The route might be slightly different. The destination might even have to change a little bit. It might take longer to get there. But your dreams don’t have to disappear.
Karra wants her readers to know that joy and pain can co-exist.
An Excellent Self-Help Book
I really enjoyed reading the Chronic Pain Couple. The chapters are fairly short. I like that because my attention span isn’t always great. Also, there are short bullet points at the end of each chapter so you can quickly remind yourself what you’ve just been reading. The book also links to the author’s website which has free resources and links to useful apps.
I take no pleasure in knowing that Karra lives with pain. But a book like this can only be written by someone who really understands what this kind of life is like. I’m not normally a fan of the phrase ‘people don’t understand unless they have pain themselves’ but sometimes it is a true saying.
She knows that keeping a relationship alive is about more than putting on some lipstick and a dab of perfume. She really tries to help people overcome relationship problems encountered due to their chronic pain.
I, personally, got a lot from the book and think it’s an ideal book for anyone in a relationship who’s living with chronic pain. But I also think it would be good for the other half of the couple to read it too. I’m sure it would give them more insight. And, as I said earlier, I think anyone living with chronic pain would find this book helpful.
The final chapter in the book isn’t called The Final Chapter. It’s called Your Beginning. I think that sums up the whole book. Karra is trying to guide you to find a new beginning in your life. She wants to help you find a better life and a better relationship, despite your pain.
The book can be purchased directly from Karra’s website, the publishing company, Amazon and most other book retailers.
Thank you so much for reading.
If this post resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
And feel free to share it with your friends or support groups.
Take care,
Liz.
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Thank you! Just downloaded it to my Kindle here in the US.
Hope you find the book helpful, Landon.
They did good asking you to review this, Liz – you’ve done a brilliant job! Karra has done something I can’t recall seeing another book do in the rather limited field of chronic illness/pain literature by covering the experience in relationships. I’ve known people know who have brilliant relationships with their partner because of the difficulties they’ve gone through with their health, how they’ve actually become stronger as a result. Then I’ve seen those who’ve had relationships broken because of it, and those who just feel like their partner doesn’t get it and isn’t helping. It’s hard enough navigating daily life with a chronic condition let alone managing a relationship, and the same goes for the partner trying to be there for someone they love who struggles with ill health, disability, pain etc.
I agree with you in how this may not just be “for couples”. When I was reading what Karra discusses, I thought I’d be interested to give this a read for my own situation and my relationship with my parents as things with my dad have become rather fraught. It sounds like a brilliant read so it’s going on my TBR. Excellent review, Liz, thanks for sharing it!
Caz x
Thank you so much for your comment, Caz.
I’ve also never seen any books about chronic pain/chronic illness and relationships which is why I was keen to review it when asked. Karra has covered everything. And I honestly believe the book could help anyone who is dealing with pain or illness in their lives. I’m sure some of the relationship issues she discusses could relate to relationships people have with family or friends too.
If you read it, I do hope you find it helpful.
Take care,
Liz
This is fantastic review of a book that sound incredibly beneficial. I think one of the hardest parts of having a chronic illness and living with chronic pain is the lack of understanding from loved ones around us. I think this book would benefit not just romantic relationships but also parents and friends of those suffering too. I especially love that Karra talks about how chronic pain doesn’t mean your life is worse. Life may look different to how we imagined but we can still life a fulfilled, happy and valued life despite our struggles.