On the 26th of September, 1992, my hubby and I got married. My goodness, that’s thirty years since we stood in church and said our vows – for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health…
I had two fears that day. One was that I would faint in the church. My back pain sometimes made me faint if I was on my feet so I worried about that happening on my wedding day. Thankfully, it didn’t. My other fear was that I would have a fit of the giggles. And I did. But apart from my shoulders shaking, I think I managed to keep it under control. Why did I giggle? It was my husband’s fault. I was doing absolutely fine until he started saying the vows. He came to the ‘in sickness and in health’ line and made a funny face at me which set me off.
This isn’t a ‘slushy’ wedding anniversary post. We don’t do slushy. We also don’t do gifts or flowers. A night in front of the television eating spag bol then sharing a bar of chocolate is good enough for us. But I do think thirty years of marriage is worthy of a blog post.
Ian Already Understood “In Sickness and In Health”
Ian knew about my back problems when we first met. Having scoliosis and chronic back pain wasn’t something I could hide.
He had seen my ‘normal’ pain but he also saw the extreme pain. Almost exactly one year before we got married, the muscles in my back went into spasm and I could hardly move for months. The specialist I saw told me to rest in my bed to allow the muscles time to relax and recover. The only time I was allowed out of my bed was to go to the bathroom. I then had to wear a body plaster cast until a plastic brace was moulded for me. That plastic brace was cumbersome and painful to wear but it held me upright.
I Lived With Pain and My Husband Lived With My Pain
It was bad enough that I had to deal with chronic pain but when when you’re in a relationship, your partner also has to deal it.
When we talked about our future life together, we did so knowing that my back pain would probably play a prominent role in our lives. We knew that there would probably come a stage when I wouldn’t be able to work. We would both have loved to have children but we knew that it wasn’t practical. Sometimes I couldn’t get out of bed or dress myself without help, so I really wouldn’t have been able to care for a child. We probably had to discuss more about our future than most ‘healthy’ couples.
Pain controlled my life but now it was also controlling his. I started to feel guilty about that. However, he made the choice. He loved me, he wanted to be with me and be there for me. And I think he made it his mission in life to make me laugh every day. So when it came to the ‘in sickness and in health’ line in our vows, despite knowing that there would probably be more of the sickness part than the good health part, he tried to make me laugh. And he succeeded.
Thirty years on, he still makes me laugh every day.
What ‘In Sickness and in Health’ Meant For Us
When we first met, I was ‘just’ living with chronic back pain due to having scoliosis. For the first couple of years of our marriage, I managed to work with the help of that cumbersome back brace. Every spare ounce of my energy went into working at that time. I went to work in the morning, came home, ate some dinner and went to bed to recover for the next day. But when I was 28, my back could no longer cope and I had to retire.
That meant one less income in the house. I received disability benefits but those are not the same as a full-time income from working. Ian’s work also changed because I needed him more at home. I struggled with simple everyday tasks due to my pain. He made sure that he was always either working from home or within close proximity so that he could help me.
Over the years, other painful conditions developed or worsened. As well as chronic back pain, I had suffered from migraines since I was 12 but they became chronic. My facial pain started when I was in my mid-twenties and it became progressively worse. I lived with pain in my joints and muscles. My ribs often fractured after I developed osteoporosis. Then coeliac disease decided to join the party too.
As time goes on, I rely on Ian more. Some days I struggle more than other days. Sometimes he has to help me with simple every day tasks that most people probably take for granted. He makes food and does household chores. I do what I can when I can but I seem to have gone from not doing much in the house to doing even less. And when I do less, he does more.
He Knows What I Deal With More Than Anyone
As anyone who lives with pain knows, it can come with fatigue and a multitude of emotions like guilt, depression and anger. My husband has seen how my pain has affected me throughout our time together and has helped me through the toughest times.
Ian also lives with pain, mostly down to the joys of getting older. Some days we both hobble about the house hearing creaking, crunching and cracking noises from our joints. I empathise and only wish that I could stop him from feeling any pain. I realise that he’s probably wished that for me every day over the last thirty years.
Ian is the one who sees me every day and knows what I deal with. The one who knows how I am without needing to ask. He tells me to pace myself and gives me a ‘told you so’ look when I’ve tried to push my limits. And he’s made me laugh even on those really difficult days when I didn’t feel like laughing.
My life isn’t easy but I know that it would be much more difficult if I didn’t have Ian to help me through it. I appreciate him (and his silly jokes) and I hope he knows that. I will remind him just in case he doesn’t.
Laughing Together is So Important
I don’t want to make out that my husband is perfect. He’s not. Neither am I. Nobody is. But we’ve made our marriage work so far despite there being more sickness and less good health. Although we’ve had health issues to deal with, we’ve also had lots of good times. And lots of laughter. A relationship needs many things besides love like patience, compassion and empathy. But, for us, being able to laugh together is crucial.
Life is Difficult for Partners and Families
Life with chronic pain or a chronic illness can be so hard but it’s not plain sailing for partners or families either. Actually, sometimes I think it might be more difficult for the partner or family. I’m sure many look on feeling helpless at times wishing that they could do more to help. They might feel guilty if they feel they can’t help enough or actually take away the pain. They might become stressed by everything that’s going on. And they might have their own health issues or other problems to deal with.
Family Carers Need More Support and Gratitude
If you are a partner or family member, your help is invaluable. Whether you’re mopping up tears or making meals, your help is always appreciated.
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Thank you so much for reading.
If this post resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
And feel free to share it with your friends or support groups.
Take care,
Liz.
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Happy Anniversary to you both! I love that Ian made you giggle at the moment of the vows. THAT is my kind of wedding!
What you went through with your back, body plaster cast and brace sounds just awful. Some people will think you can’t have a relationship or marriage when you live with intrusive health problems, with daily and ongoing symptoms that you can’t hide. Sadly some relationships don’t make it, and sadly some people turn out to be arses when things get tough. But I still love to read the stories of relationships that work despite health problems, no matter how difficult things get.
Sure, the other person will deal with the situation and will be living with the ramifications of your health. But you will also be there for them, no matter what. If the shoe were on the other foot, they’d know you’d be there for them without resevervation. That trust, that knowledge of continual support, is an awesome thing.
And Ian is lucky to have you too, Liz. You’re an impressive lady. Compassionate, funny, intelligent, giving, fierce. You’re also right in remembering how he made that choice to be with you, with the health issues involved, because he wanted to, because he loves you so much. That he still makes you laugh is one of the best marks of marital successful in my mind! Aww, I’m welling up already!
Congratulations on your Pearl Anniversary, love birds! 🎉❤️🎉❤️ 🎉 xxxx
Thank you, Caz. Yes, you’re right – a lot of relationships can’t take the added stress if one half of the couple has a chronic health condition. Perhaps because I already had mine made it easier to deal with. I could occasionally give him a slap though – like when I have a broken rib and he says something silly to make me laugh.
Thanks again xx
Happy Anniversary to the two of you. Blessings.
Thank you so much.
Happy Anniversary, Liz! And Guess what? Today, Sept. 30, is OUR anniversary! 33 years for us. In our case, I was very healthy and active when we first met and dated (until age 37), so we faced the challenges of mystery illness, search for a diagnosis, and all the rest together. In some ways, my illness has brought us closer. He’s certainly one of the few people (other than others with chronic illness!) who truly understands how this illness affects me – most people only see me when I am ding well. And we used to be a bit mismatched, especially as we got older – I was the extrovert who always wanted to be doing something, and he was more introverted and happy to spend time at home. Now, of course, I HAVE to spend lots of time at home and really need the downtime, so I’ve become a bit of an introvert myself! And I totally agree with what you said about laughing together! A shared sense of humor has always been a big part of our relationship.
Hope you enjoyed your anniversary!
Sue
Live with ME/CFS
Thank you, Sue. And wishing you both a very happy anniversary too.
Happy 30th Wedding Anniversary, I hope you both had a really lovely day. I’m so pleased to read how helpful, understanding and supportive Ian is. I really wish every partner was like him. It’s so easy to feel like we’re a burden on partners but we’re all deserving of love and support, regardless of health problems and like you and Ian highlight, you can have a happy marriage full of laughter and happy moments despite struggles we face. Wishing you both all the best. Lucy
Thank you so much Lucy.
Happy Anniversary! I felt this post so much. I’m just celebrating 16 years together with my partner and I remember when we first got together that I was terrified of scaring him away because of my illnesses. I didn’t know it at the time, but he had the same worry. We’re there for each other.
Thank you so much, Heather and congratulations on 16 years together.
Hi. I was really hoping you could take down my long comment from yesterday. I don’t know what I was thinking & I never should’ve posted that on your post. I truly apolize & appreciate you deleting the comment. I meant no disrespect. It’s been a very difficult time for me. Thank you so much.
Hi there, I’ve not been online for a few days and have just seen this. I didn’t have a problem with your comment, but I have removed it as you requested.
It sounds like you have had a horrific time. I hope you can now find a way forward.
If you want to chat, you can find me on my social media accounts or email Liz@despitepain.com
Take care of yourself and happy anniversary to you and your husband.