Splitting up is never easy, especially if you’ve been in a long-term relationship. When you think it’s time to break up, you can’t just send a text and say, “Hey, it’s over. Been nice knowing you.” Okay, maybe some people do, but that’s not right, is it?
I’m in a long-term relationship with my pain and I think it’s time for us to break up.
It’s Time to Break Up – but Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Breaking up is never easy, but breaking up with chronic pain is even harder because it just doesn’t take the hint no matter how blunt you are. You can swear, shout and scream at it and it just laughs in your face.
I’ve had to learn to listen to my pain but it doesn’t tend to listen to me very often. It’s time for me and my pain to go our separate ways, but since it won’t listen to me, I decided to write my pain a letter instead. Writing the letter has been kind of therapeutic.
My Break up Letter to My Chronic Pain
Dear Chronic Pain,
They say all good things come to an end. But our relationship was never actually good, was it? In fact, it should never have started in the first place.
You have been my companion for about four decades which is a long time to be together. But now I think the time has come for me to say, enough is enough. We need to part ways. It’s time for us to break-up.
You came into my life uninvited and you’ve hung around ever since. And to be brutally honest, I can’t say I’ve enjoyed your company. You’ve been a horror to live with. You are a control freak. A miserable, bullying control freak.
When you first hooked up with me, I kept trying to ignore you but you let me know that you didn’t like that. You kicked, screamed and complained constantly. “Stop ignoring me,” you yelled at me, “or I’ll make you suffer more.” And you did.
It took me a long time to realise I should just listen to you. But what did you expect? I was young. I wanted a normal life. Instead, I was lumbered with you.
I’ll Try to Find Positives
We’ve been together for a long time and it’s definitely not been pleasant knowing you because, well, you’re simply not nice to be around. You affect so many aspects of my life in a negative way, but I will try to take some positives from our relationship.
You force me to slow down and in doing so, I notice what’s around me. I notice all the little things and I appreciate them.
I’ve learned to be proud of all my achievements no matter how big or small they are.
You’ve actually taught me quite a lot about life. But you’ve also taught me things about myself.
I realise that I can be happy and content despite you disrupting my life.
My Mum used to say I have the patience of a saint. Believe me, I need it with you hanging around all the time.
You’ve also given me the ability to recognise other people who live a life similar to my own. When I see them, I think to myself, they’ve got a companion just like mine. I understand what they go through. Maybe you’ve made me have more empathy.
No. I’m not giving you the credit for that. I’m a decent person. Any decent person can have empathy. I’d have empathy with or without you in my life.
Painful Memories
I’m afraid there aren’t many positives to take from our relationship because all you ever tried to do was make me suffer. You’ve always needed your presence to be felt. You get pleasure from poking and prodding me, taking the legs from under me or just hovering in the background. You’re always ready to remind me you’re there. At one point, you felt like a lead weight across my back and I could hardly move for months. You tattooed that memory onto my brain. It will never be forgotten.
You weren’t content with just affecting my back though. No, that wasn’t enough for you. You wanted me to feel you in every part of my body. My face, my feet, my fingers…everywhere. You’ve made my head throb, my teeth have felt as though they’re attached to a live electric wire and it feels like you’ve crushed my rib cage. My legs hurt, my joints hurt, my muscles ache. Every step I take, you’re right there with me.
My doctor once asked me to colour a body diagram to explain where you affected me. There was virtually no white paper showing. She looked sympathetic but she couldn’t set me free from your vicious claws.
Being in a relationship with you is like being shackled to a ball and chain because I can do nothing without your interference.
You drag me down and beat me up. You get under my feet and you put obstacles in my path. I never get a minute’s peace. You are in my face constantly. You’re there 24/7. Do you never sleep? If you want to stay awake all night, that’s your choice, but why do you insist on keeping me awake too?
You’ve made me feel embarrassed and awkward. I’ve been stressed because of you and I’ve felt guilty. You’ve haunted me with memories and filled me with fear and anxiety because I never know when you’ll do your worst.
You’ve taken so much from me. I had to take early retirement when I was 28 to appease you. I didn’t have children because of you. You’ve had a habit of really getting in the way of everything that matters to me.
It’s time to stop. It’s time to break up.
I’ve seriously had enough of your miserable ways. You’ve inflicted me with enough poison.
I don’t want to see you again. Nor do I want you to become attached to anyone else because nobody deserves a companion like you. I think it would be best if you could just quietly disappear into oblivion.
Perhaps NASA Could Drop You into a Black Hole
I did consider contacting NASA and asking them for help. Let’s face it, there’s so much money invested in space projects so perhaps they could take you on a trip and drop you into a black hole somewhere in outer space. I don’t suppose they’d do that though. They’d probably tell me there’s no government funding to help people like me get rid of companions like you.
You’re an Uninvited Guest – it’s Time to Go
You’re like an uninvited guest who’s overstayed their welcome. It’s now time for you to leave because I want to get on with living. I want to experience life without you.
I’ve had to spend the last four decades listening to you but it’s now time for you to listen to me. You need to understand that enough is enough. It’s time for you to go.
Yours no longer,
Liz.
Have You Ever Written to Your Pain?
Do you feel it’s time to break up with your pain? Have you ever tried writing a letter to your pain? Maybe you should try it. What would you say? You might also find it therapeutic.
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I believe I have done this exercice before… writing to my pain. I think it got ranty. lol I found it here: https://brainlessblogger.net/2018/07/07/a-complaint-letter-to-pain/
It was an exercise in a book I read I guess. Anyway, I guess it is interesting to write directly to our pain sometimes. Maybe I should write a letter specifically to my Migraines since they really deserve a talking to!
Sometimes we need to get ranty, don’t we? It’s quite therapeutic getting it out.
Yes for sure!
I’ve never done this task before. I always fear what emotions it may cause, but I like the theory of it. I worry that I’d blubber and get all emotional and angry but maybe that would be a good thing to let it all out. Maybe I will give it a go and write a similar blog post.
Sometimes it’s good to blubber and get it out rather than emotions building up inside. A bit like a pressure cooker…it needs a release valve to let the steam out every now and then. It helps me, but we’re all different and you can only do what works for you.
I like the theory of this but I always worry about what emotions may surface. I fear I may get all blubbery and emotional, but that may be a good thing.
This is a brilliant letter, Liz. So painful yet uplifting at the same time, it’s weird to read it. There’s a lot I could have written myself, despite our experiences being different and you having lived with your spiteful, hateful companion for much longer. I truly do take my hat off to you. You also made a very good point with empathy. I credit my issues for being more empathic, but I feel like I was a good person before all of this and it’s not something either of us have to try at, it’s just natural; you’re right, let’s not give our illness or pain the credit for that one.
YES there’s plenty of room for all our companions in a giant black hole. Maybe we can do a petition to NASA? I’m in!
Caz xx
I am quite sure that you’d have empathy without your health issues.
And yes, I think we need to petition NASA lol.
I have a post in my drafts to break up with MS, so thank you for this, brilliant post Liz I will share yours when it’s complete too x
I look forward to reading your letter to your MS. Now, we just need to figure out how to make them listen.
Send this to NASA!! But you’re right, the government wouldn’t fund anything for us who live with chronic pain. Brilliant letter.
Thank you, Jenny.
Fabulous letter to your chronic pain! I haven’t written to mine, but I do give it a talking to now and then. LOL
Thank you, Cynthia. Does it listen?
LOL Nope!
I haven’t done this myself, however I think it is a really therapeutic idea! Love your joke about contacting NASA haha! right – “beem it up scotty!” 😉
Thanks Helen. Yes, a bit of fun about NASA, but how good would that be?
This is such an emotional, real post. Thank you x
findyourownhope.com
Writing to “your pain” is a great exercise to get in touch with how you are feeling. Regardless of what your pain is (physical or mental) it is extremely beneficial. Sometimes just putting pen to paper and expressing those feelings in therapeutic enough to clear your mind and help you to feel better. I have most certainly done this before, even before a therapy appointment.
What an emotional letter.Thank you for sharing! I’ve never tried writing a letter to my pain before, but it’s a good idea. I think it would be therapeutic and clearing
This is a great way to express your feelings and anger for the pain instead of keeping it bottled up inside. It’s so sad that you had to retire early and miss out on having a family because of the pain. I think you’re so strong to get through it.
I love this idea of writing to our pain. Such a great way to get out our feelings, acknowledge them, and also grow from it as well.
Kileen
cute & little
This letter is a great way to express your honest feelings and your relationship with chronic pain! I admire you for pulling out the positive thing that you’ve taken from this difficult relationship! I’m sure it wasn’t easy to write, how did you feel afterwards?
I love the idea of writing out your thoughts and making a “break-up” letter to your pain. I bet it’s so therapeutic
I think it is great idea, it should help a lot, especially mentally. It is a great idea also because you share it online, making your statement even more important
Getting your feelings out in writing is SO therapeutic. I know of people who have done this, writing to exes, to their eating disorder, to mental illnesses – so it makes complete sense to use it as a way to deal with your emotions relating to your chronic illness. How did you feel after putting this out into the universe?
Absolutely bloody brilliant! Will immediately share (possibly again?) as soon as I have finished this comment, but first… Thank you for this. Such a fantastic way to help you identify and process all the feelings and, I suspect, let go a bit of the frustration.
Such an honest letter. Despite what pain has done to your life, you still are able to look at the take away. So brave indeed. Lots to learn from you.
I have a journal and it often has writings like this one, one where you write to your pain. It’s a wonderful idea to release what you are feeling inside.
Chronic pain can definitely hurt your metal health too, I know because I have some chronic paint in my lower back. I think this letter helps to bring the pain closure even tho it is quite negative. I hope you feel better!
Good for you for breaking up! Hopefully you’ll be able to funnel your writing to other avenues, although, your articles are very helpful to those who suffer everyday, but it must be draining on you too. Keep up the great attitude…it’s all we can do each day.
This sounds like a beneficial thing to do, I may have to try this as well. sorry you’ve been with this pain for so long.
Chronic pain is so hard. I only have it to a minimal degree, but even minimal is hard. Keep being an advocate. You do good work!