People who live with chronic pain are often under scrutiny ā how do we cope when we feel judged?
Feeling Judged Lowers Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem
Friends, family members, colleagues, doctors, social security ā even strangers ā can sometimes judge people who live with chronic pain or illness. And thatās such a horrible feeling. It doesnāt help when newspapers or other media lump everyone under one label, portraying people with chronic illness as ālazyā or ābenefit scroungers.ā
People who feel judged often also feel demoralised, guilty, or ashamed. But no one living with a health condition should ever feel that way. Havenāt we got enough to deal with already?
When someone is unhappy or depressed because of their illness, theyāre often judged for being moody. Yet depression can be part of chronic illness ā or even a side effect of medication. What people really need is support and understanding, not judgement.
At the other end of the scale, when someone smiles or tries to stay positive, others might say, āThey canāt be that ill if theyāre smiling.ā
But nobody can see what lies behind that smile. A smile doesnāt mean the pain has gone.
Assumptions That Lead to People Feeling Judged
Lazy
One of the most common assumptions is that someone living with pain or illness is lazy.
After all, they may not work, they might sleep a lot, or struggle to keep up with housework or caring for their families ā so people assume theyāre doing nothing all day.
But weād rather not be stuck at home, sleeping the days away. Weād love to have a full, active life.
Lucky!
Many people with chronic illness have been told how lucky they are to āstay at home all day getting money from taxpayers.ā
We donāt want to have to claim sickness or disability benefits. Weād rather be working. Weād rather be taxpayers. Most of us probably were taxpayers before our health changed that.
Unreliable
People are often judged because they have little social life, or because they sometimes cancel plans. They might be labelled as the unreliable friend.
We want to enjoy life. We want to be sociable. But our pain or illness sometimes prevents it. We donāt want to be the friend who cancels at the last minute ā it hurts us, too.
Fit and Healthy
When we do go out or do something enjoyable, itās often assumed we must be fit, healthy, and living life to the fullest.
What people donāt realise is the amount of effort and energy it takes just to get there ā or the payback we face afterwards.
Don’t Try Hard Enough
Some people assume we don’t try hard enough.
But we do try. Weāve learned to listen to our bodies, and we know that pushing too far can make things worse. Sometimes rest isnāt laziness ā itās survival.
Only Focusing on Health
Some people are judged for focusing on their health too much.
But pain and illness are constant companions ā always there, always demanding attention. Itās hard to shift focus when your body wonāt let you forget.
Drug Seeking
People are often judged for taking medication ā some are even accused of being ādrug seekers.ā
Medication can make life more bearable. And if people understood the side effects we live with, they’d know we don’t take these medications lightly or by choice.
Selfish
Some chronic pain or illness sufferers are told that they are selfish or inconsiderate
But sometimes we have to be. Sometimes we have to put ourselves first ā to protect our health, to survive the day.
Weight and Exercise
Others are told that their pain or illness is their own fault ā that if they lost weight or exercised more, theyād be fine.
But mobility issues often cause weight changes and make exercise difficult. When doctors suggest diet or exercise, it needs to come with compassion ā and with real support.
Sometimes well-meaning people bring it up too, but it can sound judgmental. And some are simply rude.
Don’t LOOK Disabled
Many people are judged for parking in disabled bays or using accessible toilets because they donāt look disabled. Theyāre accused of being lazy or told to āwait like everyone else.ā
But disability doesnāt have a particular look. People of all ages ā even children ā live with illnesses and painful conditions, many of them invisible.
Weight and Exercise
Some people are told that their pain or illness is their own fault because of their weight or lack of exercise.
Perhaps mobility issues contribute to the weight and lack of exercise. If a doctor suggests dieting or exercise, it should be said with compassion along with the offer of support. Sometimes well-meaning people suggest it, but it comes across as being judgemental. And some people are just rude.
Don’t LOOK Disabled
Often people are judged for parking their cars in disabled bays or using disabled toilets because they don’t “look disabled”. They are told they are too lazy to walk or wait in a queue for a toilet.
Being disabled doesn’t have a specific ‘look’. People of all ages, including children, live with illnesses and painful conditions, many of which are invisible. Nobody knows what another person is dealing with.
“You Don’t Look Sick”
āYou donāt look sick,” ā itās a phrase that many people living with chronic pain or illness find frustrating ā because it often leaves them feeling judged or dismissed.
Sometimes, itās said with genuine kindness.
If someone I know and care about tells me that I ādonāt look sickā or that Iām ālooking well,ā I take it as a compliment. Honestly, I donāt want to look the way I feel.
But other times, those same words are spoken in a judgemental way. They can carry unspoken messages like these:
You don’t look sick –
- so why donāt you work?
- why are you always sleeping?
- why do you take all those tablets?
- thereās no reason for you not to come to my party.
- Iām sure thereās nothing wrong with you.
- I think you’re just lazy.
- so you canāt be!
Feeling Judged is Painful
Feeling judged is painful, whether it comes from strangers, loved ones, or even medical professionals. Once we recognise these judgments for what they are, the next step is learning how to cope ā how to protect our hearts, maintain our self-worth, and respond in ways that feel right for us.
How to Cope When You’re Feeling Judged
When weāre judged, it hurts ā sometimes a tremendous amount. We shouldnāt let other peopleās opinions get us down. But what can we do to make those judgmental comments hurt less?
- IIgnore comments from people who donāt matter to you. Let them think what they want. They are not worth your time or energy. You donāt owe them an explanation.
- If a close friend or relative judges you, explain how it makes you feel. They need to know when theyāre hurting you.
- If doctors or medical personnel judge you, explain how you feel. Perhaps they have something worthwhile to say but communicate it clumsily. Make them aware of the impact of their words. And if they are actually judging you unfairly, donāt hesitate to make a complaint.
- If someone you love tells you that youāre looking well or that you donāt look sick, thank them. High-five yourself for looking good despite feeling awful.
- Tell the people you love what you need. Physical and emotional support helps far more than judgment or criticism.
- Donāt judge yourself. Itās hard enough when others do it, so donāt add extra burden to your shoulders. You have pain or illness which affects so many aspects of your life ā be gentle with yourself.
Remember This:
- You didn’t choose this life.
- You know the truth about your life.
- Your life is nobody else’s business.
Compassion and Kindness
We often live with self-imposed guilt. We don’t need other people’s judgements.
Letās build people up rather than knock them down. Showing compassion and kindness is always a much better way to treat others ā and ourselves.
~~~~~
Feeling judged is something many of us experience, but you donāt have to face it alone. Iād love to hear your thoughts ā share your experiences or coping strategies in the comments below.
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Thank you so much for reading.
If this post resonated with you, Iād love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
And feel free to share it with your friends or support groups.
Take care,
Liz.
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Kindness is stronger than judgement
thank you.
Thank you for reading.
my pleasure!
Excellent article, thank you
Thank you I really needed to hear this…
For me, the judgement comes from within. Then every look and silence ehar is not said, i take as judgement. This judgement does motivate me to get up and do when my body is feeling the opposite, but it’s not s positive. Need to break this cycle and find motivation outside of guilt and fear of judgement.
Being judged – or, what is perhaps more commonly the case, the feeling or perception that you’re being judged, is so hard to deal with. I think as well with invisible illnesses and conditions, there’s that extra layer of ‘looking fine’ so others don’t even think or believe how you’re actually feeling inside. They don’t ‘see’ it. Then there’s guilt from doing something enjoyable or smiling, adding another judgement layer. It’s challenging because it can be incredibly demoralising, as you say. Brilliant post that deals with a complex issue, and great suggestions on dealing with it!
Caz xx
You’re so right, sometimes we believe we’re being judged when it’s not actually the case. We’re probably our own worst enemies. Thanks for commenting, Caz.
When you’re suffering from a chronic invisible illness both physical and mental many of us just shut down.when we get to the point where we feel not just judged but guilty useless worthless unnecessary ashamed and more, what then? Because by then we’ve pushed everyone away and often don’t want to see or talk to anyone especially family, they’re the ones we feel we let down the most. š¢
Great post. Thank you for these words, I needed them.
I have been judged by people I don’t know, which is hard. But it’s judgement from the people we do know that hurts more. I’ve had to learn to let go of the people who have judged me no matter what I do or say. T.
Yes, it’s more difficult when it comes from people who know you. Sometimes you do have to step back from people. The negativity can’t help you.
Definitely!
Thank you š. Being blamed to not make the right spiritual path to feel better i.e. āI create my own story.ā I internalize and cause myself even more damage. How can you run if walking your dog around the block is debilitating. How can you not be selfish when your pain is yelling all day long and you hate yourself for it. Iām not alone.
This is an excellent post. I’ve personally dealt with this, and continue to do so, due to my mental illness. Even when I was suffering from severe IBS last year, I got told that there was nothing wrong and I was overreacting, when in fact I was so close to being hospitalized I still don’t know how I managed not to be.
Really great post. Living with an invisible illness unfortunately means this is something we have to deal with a lot. Excellent points on how to cope when we feel judged. Thanks for writing x
I’m sorry you’ve dealt with this. It’s difficult, isn’t it? Thanks for leaving a comment.
Thank you
People judge on so many levels. My wife is always good to remind the family that you never know what other people are going through. Given the chance, anyone would prefer not to deal with a chronic illness or pain. I have seen and heard first hand some of these comments made to a person I know who suffers from Lyme disease. “What do you mean you don’t want to go out and you’re tired. You’re always tired” Why yes he is tired! It is frustrating to see but I imagine even more difficult to live.
Your wife is giving a good reminder. A little bit of kindness and understanding can go a long way.
These were some really helpful tips on handling judgement and also explaining common phases that people use that are hurtful. Often I think people say it without realising how nasty it is, itās helpful to have it pointed out.
Thanks Amy. Yes, I think people don’t realise what they are actually saying at times.
Iāve experienced this as well from family, co-workers and doctors. It really sucks but I know what Iām going through and that it is real. I guess you just have to let it roll off.
Totally agree, sometimes we’ve just got to let it roll off.
Well where to start on this excellent blog post from both perspectives. It is so true that we do put so much energy into one outing and even doctors say āyou donāt look sickā or you are āstill smilingā. I love you mention about the moods and depression because I get depressed if I canāt go out because of my physical pain and then get when the physical pain is better I get mentally exhausted because I rush to do everything when there is that tiny bit of energy! To be honest I always feel judged I feel thatās why so many of us work hard to raise awareness ?
Sometimes it feels like a no-win situation, doesn’t it?
So many people are too fast to leap to negative assumptions about others – it can be exhausting nd damaging living with the weight of other people’s expectations. So important to learn not to carry that burden.
Exactly! We live with enough problems without dealing with this too.
It’s so important to be kind and to give others the benefit of the doubt. There are so many invisible diseases and others that affect people in ways we can’t even imagine. Each person’s illness is different, and it’s not our place to judge.
Thanks, Tracy.
That’s crazy how people create a specific image when thinking about someone with disabilities! You are so right dear. People should stop treating people with disabilities differently. We all deserve to be treated normal. š
Thank you, Snehal
One of my favorite memes on the internet is the one that says “we’re all being judged by someone who isn’t even close to having their sh*t together.” Because it is so true. I ignore it most of the time, but every once in a while, I get annoyed enough to put someone back in their place when they deserve it. That takes time and energy, so I really try to control the anger I have about people like that. I think in today’s world with advancements of the internet, people feel free to just say whatever comes to mind, without censoring it or even considering how hurtful it can be. Which is especially true in cases of people who have the invisible illness. I personally enjoyed this post and will be sharing it, with the reminder to people to just be kind.
I think it’s best to try and ignore it most of the time, but yes, sometimes you just have to say something, don’t you? I agree about the internet – very often people hide behind computer screens thinking they can say whatever they want and don’t care who they hurt.
It is really so funny. When no one is perfect themselves, they go about judging others. And I just ignore people who try to judge me and at times tell them straight on their face to abstain as I myself don’t.
Sometimes they do need to be told, don’t they?
For me, when I feel judged I think to myself, well thatās only what they perceive the people judging donāt know me as well as I know myself. I find it emotionally draining to deal with judgy people and thereās a difference between being helpful and being hurtful
That’s it, you know yourself more than anyone else knows you.
Yes!
Your post is so on point! I am giving it for my husband to read, we talked about his issues with coping of being judged (or thinking of being judged) he suffers way too often. All your advice sounds completely on point to me
Thank you, Lyosha. I hope my post helps your husband.
I feel judged when Iām doing things to manage my pain – for example going for a walk. For me it is the best thing I can do. But I often feel like people think I should be at home ārestingā. I also feel guilty on my good days or when Iām living my best life, like Iām doing something wrong. And because Iām in pain I shouldnāt be doing these things. Itās tough. Wonderful post highlighting more of the difficulties we all face.
It can be so difficult, can’t it? We need to do things to try to help ourselves, including doing things to keep a positive mental attitude, but we put a guilt trip on ourselves. We shouldn’t. We need to allow ourselves to live the best life possible.
I really struggle with this a lot. Even when I am not being judged I feel like I am. :/ Very informative post. Thank you.
I think sometimes we just presume we are being judged. Or perhaps we are actually judging ourselves. Thanks for commenting.
I was being harshly judged that i am not undertaking full responsibility of family and everything else after my father’s death, eventhough i accepted responsibility mentally, nobody knows i am suffering through social anxiety and many question me that why i always get sweats but in fact its me dealing silently and suffering through mental illnes, people judge too much and it hurt me im trying hard but nowadays im learning to dismiss the comments and try not to give attention to it because they never ever know who we are inside, as this post said the best person to know us is indeed ourselves, i believe i can take care of my family facing responsibilities and job opportunities as much as i can.
Thank you!!!
Everyday I’m in PAIN , sick and in pain , sometimes it’s all day , other times, it comes and goes ,my family and friends, no one understands not even Doctors ,I have not been in a relationship for over 20 years now because they do not understand, ( NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ) The OTC MEDICINE STOPED helping me with the Pain , so I asked my Doctor for help and she said NO ( NO ) W/O SAYING WHY !! even though I have severe Arthritis , Heart Disease, Kidney Disease , Chronic pain , a Tumor , colon Disease and more , I have been looking for free financial help for a long time , and all I have found is a lot of SCAMMERS to where I had to turn the ringer off on my phone, and I don’t believe what I’m told , so I am using my internet name, ,I have about 5 or more life-threatening Disease but I can not find help from anyone, to me the World is a mean and BAD place ,,, I feel like giving up because I can’t live like this because I need help , I can not cope w/o help ,,,, š thank you for reading