When my Mum was alive, she phoned me every day and asked how I was feeling. And every time, I gave the same answer – “I’m fine.” As I was saying it, my husband was shaking his head. “Why do you always say that?” he asked one day. “You’re in agony. You can hardly walk, but you tell your Mum you’re fine when you’re really the opposite.”
He thought it was because I didn’t want my Mum to worry about me. But the thing is, my Mum and the rest of my family knew exactly how I was. They knew that I really wasn’t fine. But after saying that I was fine, my Mum said, “hmm..” then we moved on to a different conversation.
I simply didn’t want to talk about my pain. It was difficult enough living with it. I was young. I had to stop working because of it. I’d had to give up so many things. Part of me wanted to pretend that I really was fine but in all honesty, if I’d started talking about it, I’d probably have broken down. So, instead, I said I was fine.
“I’m Fine” Rarely Means “I’m Fine” When You Have Chronic Pain
Chronic pain doesn’t stop. It doesn’t give days off or holidays from pain. It’s there all the time. “I’m fine” can mean a lot of things but when someone living with chronic pain says it, it rarely means that they are actually feeling fine.
So What Does “I’m Fine” Really Mean?
Everyone’s pain is different, so everyone’s version of “I’m fine” is also different but here are a few examples of what it could mean:
Chronic pain doesn’t stop so “I’m fine” could mean that their pain level is the same as always.
It could mean their pain is at a level that they can cope with so it’s as good as it gets.
Or it could mean that their pain is really bad and they are struggling to cope either physically or mentally. On days like that, they might not cope with talking about it.
Why Aren’t People Honest About How They Are Feeling?
Many people who live with chronic pain keep a lot to themselves. They say “I’m fine” when they’re really not fine at all. And they say it for a variety of reasons. Here are some of those reasons:
Privacy
They might not want to talk about their health. They might prefer to keep their health private. I mean, not everyone wants to be open and blog about their health to the world. (Who on earth would do a thing like that???)
Need to Know Basis
Not everyone needs to know the ins and outs of other people’s health. So saying “I’m fine,” is absolutely fine.
They Don’t Want to Worry People
Perhaps they don’t want to upset or worry their friends and family so they would rather tell them they’re fine.
They Need a Distraction
Sometimes they use that phrase because they’d rather pretend to be fine or they’d rather talk about something else as a distraction from their pain.
It’s Easier
They might be having a horrendous day but saying “I’m fine” is often easier than telling the truth. People get tired, weary and fed up with their pain and can get fed up talking about it. Saying “I’m fine” is easier and less exhausting.
People Get Tired of Hearing About The Pain
They also realise that other people get tired and weary of hearing about their pain so don’t want to offload onto them too often.
Some People Aren’t Really Interested
Some people say, “how are you?” but they don’t really want to hear the answer. Sometimes there’s no point in using energy trying to explain to people who really aren’t interested.
Nobody Wants Pity
When people tell the truth, they often get pity and that’s not what they’re looking for. Empathy, yes. But not pity.
Feeling Judged
They might think that other people think they are exaggerating or judging them so prefer not to talk about how they are feeling.
Unsolicited Advice
They’d rather say that they are feeling okay so that they don’t receive unsolicited advice such as “try drinking a kale smoothie three times a day,” or “have you tried (insert the name of any over-the-counter medication or some strange herbal remedy)?”
Comparisons
People also don’t want to be compared to their neighbour’s second cousin twice removed who has the same illness but apparently copes so much better. (Maybe they say they’re fine for the same reason.)
Sometimes We Need to Be Honest
Obviously, there are times when we really need to tell the truth. For example, there’s no point in seeing a doctor if you don’t tell them how you really are feeling. And it’s often a good idea to tell your closest family or friends so that they can support you. But apart from that, it’s up to you whether you tell people how you are really feeling or not.
Nowadays, I am a little bit more honest than I used to be when some people ask me how I am. But over the years I have come to the conclusion that not everyone needs to know the truth, so saying “I’m fine” is adequate. If they really want to know more, I guess they could always read my blog.
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“I’m fine” used to be danger words in my last relationship (before getting properly sick). If one said it, the other knew they definitely weren’t fine!
With illness, it’s so complicated and time-consuming to answer such a loaded question. If a stranger asks or even a doctor asks, you can’t really say how you feel. They’ll wonder why you feel that way or think it can’t be that bad, and the next question will be where do you work? (Happened to me again at a hospital appt yesterday). There’s no real context or understanding there for the answer to be well received. It’s different with those we know that are in our lives, who get a bit of what we live with. Like you said with your mum, you didn’t want to worry her but she knew things weren’t fine, she knew you had a lot to deal with. Then of course is the issue of how difficult it is to talk about because it risks a meltdown, and I’m sorry you went through that for so long.
I am glad you put about “some people really aren’t interested” because I absolutely agree, even though it sounds pessimistic to say it. It really is true. Some people care about the answer, but don’t know what to say and the response can make both parties feel awkward, and us feel unheard or frustrated or upset in some way.
I think it’s sometimes a case of thinking about what it is you want from telling someone the honest answer to the question. Do you want to let them in, do you need support, someone to listen, for them to just know what’s what..? Sometimes I tell my parents just because I feel I need to excuse myself for being a waste of space these days or explain why I’ve still got so much to do and I’m so far behind. Sometimes I tell my mum because she can make me feel less stressed in some way and actually, being a bit more open from time to time has brought us closer together. I found anyone I used to be friends with in some way didn’t give a rat’s backside how I was and it hurts to realise that. It’s about talking about it to the person that actually cares too and you’re right, not everyone needs to know the truth so sometimes “I’m fine” is adequate. Fabulous post as always, Liz! Xxxx
Oh Caz, that ‘where do you work?’ question still drives me nuts. When I was your age, it made me feel so awkward and embarrassed. I still get asked occasionally but don’t feel quite so bad now when I say I don’t work. The other awkward question when I was younger was ‘do you have kids?’ I hated that. Now it’s, ‘Do you have grandkids?’ Lol.
It really is hard to tell people how you are really feeling. Sometimes we need to but sometimes it’s really not worth the energy.
I’m glad you enjoyed the post, Caz. Thank you for reading and commenting x
This is such a great post Liz. How are you I think is often said now as a greeting rather than a genuine interest in how someone is. The expected answer is to say we’re fine. I’m becoming a bit more open as I found when I am the other person is struggling in some way too but didn’t want to be the first person to deviate from society’s expected response and admit they were struggling. I completely agree with you that it’s so important to only open up to those we trust and who genuinely care as negative remarks or a lack of care and understanding from others can make us feel a lot worse.
Thanks for commenting, Lucy. Yes, I think when some people ask how you are, it’s more of a greeting. They don’t really want or expect a truthful answer. You’re right, sometimes we need to judge who we can tell and who we can’t because we don’t need any extra emotions if we feel slighted or misunderstood.