When You Lose People You Love, It Never Really Stops Hurting

It’s been about nine months since I lost my Dad and over eleven years since my Mum passed away. The time is irrelevant though because I miss them both and I’ll never stop missing them. When you lose people you love, grief is hard and it never really stops hurting. Not completely.

I don’t want this to seem like a really depressing post. I hadn’t actually intended to publish it. It was just something that I needed to write because writing helps me get through things. But then I realised that I should post it. My blog is personal. It’s about sharing what I live with. It’s about being real. Most of all, it’s about living with pain. And when you lose people you love, that grief hurts and the pain is very real.

Every day, someone somewhere is hurting because they’ve lost someone they love. Sometimes they’re told that they ‘should be over it’ or they might tell themselves that they should be coping better than they are. But grief isn’t like that. Nobody just ‘gets over’ losing people they love. Grief takes time. There are many emotions to work through. There’s an unfillable void and it might feel as though life will never be the same. And without that person, it probably won’t be the same, but in time, life can become easier again.

When You Lose People You Love…

Since my Dad passed away, I have wanted to pick up the phone to speak to him and have had to remind myself that I couldn’t. I’ve wanted to visit him, especially right now so that I could introduce him to our new pup. And every time I’ve wanted to do that, it has hit me hard knowing that I couldn’t. Wanting to do those things is normal when you lose people you love. It’s hard to change habits, especially habits you don’t want to break. I felt the same way after my Mum died. Actually, if I’m honest, I still do. I’d desperately love to phone or visit her. Even after eleven years, I still have that split second when I think “I’ll just ask Mum…” and I still have that feeling of loss when I remember that I can’t.

But over the last few weeks, that feeling of loss has felt bigger than ever.

The Special Days Which Hurt

On the 14th of March, it was Mother’s Day here in the UK. I’m always aware that Mother’s Day isn’t easy for a lot of people for many reasons. But when you no longer have your Mum, Mother’s Day can be difficult. That’s definitely one of those days when I want to pick up the phone to speak to my Mum. A day when I want to visit but I can’t.

The very next day, it was my birthday. Another day when I’d normally have spoken to or seen my Mum and Dad. And this was the first birthday without my Dad. A week later, it would have been my Mum and Dad’s 63rd wedding anniversary. Another “first” without both of them. Then on the 10th of April, it would have been Dad’s 88th birthday.

It just felt like there were too many firsts in a short space of time and each one felt like a punch in the stomach.

Grief Catches You When You Don’t Expect it

Firsts – Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries are days which always hurt more. Special days and holidays will probably always feel different. Someone’s missing. There might be an empty chair at the table. But sometimes grief just catches you when you’re not expecting it to. Random thoughts, songs, food or smells can trigger memories and tears can come from nowhere. But the memories can also bring comfort, happiness and laughter.

I remember my husband was cleaning out the spare room several months after my Mum died and came across a pair of shoes. He looked puzzled because they didn’t belong to either of us. I saw them and the tears just flowed. They were my Mum’s. Those were the shoes she wore to walk our old dog. I had forgotten that she’d left them here. Seeing them hit me even harder than getting through the ‘firsts’ without my Mum. But, as well as the tears, those shoes also brought happy memories of how much Mum loved visiting and walking our lovely dog.

Selling The Family Home

Also in the last few weeks, my two sisters and I have sold Mum and Dad’s house. It almost feels like another loss in itself because it was our family home for over fifty years. We couldn’t keep it because that simply wouldn’t have been practical. I guess we could have hung on for a few more weeks or months before selling it, but in reality, that would have made no difference. Selling it would still have been difficult. It might even have been worse by just putting off the inevitable.

When I visited the house just before the keys were handed over, even although it was almost empty, it still felt like our family home. The house stirs so many good memories. Even just walking through the door, I could almost smell the aroma of my Mum’s treacle pancakes. Looking at the garden, I could envisage Dad working on his flower beds. The garden also reminded me of playing on the swing as a little girl, riding around the grass on my scooter and splashing about in the paddling pool on hot summer days.

Family meant everything to my Mum and Dad and thankfully, I have the memories to remind me of that. I know that those memories come with me. They don’t stay inside the house. But knowing that I can’t go back there again feels strange.

Grief Can Be Physically Painful

Losing people you love hurts emotionally. A deep sadness that is hard to put into words. An emptiness as though there is a gaping hole in your very being. But grief can also affect you physically. It can cause fatigue, affect your sleep and concentration levels and it can cause physical pain. My pain levels have risen recently and I am aware of the timing. It isn’t a coincidence. The same thing happened to me when I lost my Mum.

What I am feeling just now is normal. I know that. And I know that the extreme pain of grief will ease with time but I also know that it won’t actually stop hurting altogether. It just becomes easier to live with. All I can do is cherish every memory I have and, thankfully, I have plenty of them.

Grief is Normal When You Lose People You Love

It’s normal to grieve when you lose people you love but grief can feel different for everyone. Grief has no rules. There is no timescale. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s a very personal process that affects everyone differently. People have to find their own way through it. Nobody can tell anyone else how to get through it. And nobody should ever suggest that someone should be ‘over it’.

It’s a long process and many emotions such as shock, anger, denial, guilt, sadness and depression can come into play. Those emotions are simply part of the process. Some people might jump between anger and guilt on a daily basis. Or they might feel as though they’re coming to terms with the loss, then suddenly they’re hit by another wave of anger. Grief is like that. There is no order to it and no two people cope with it in the same way.

Some people might appear to be coping better or worse than you. Some people might be more or less tearful in public or they might seem as though they’re getting on with life more than you’re able to. But just like invisible illnesses, nobody really knows how someone else is coping. It’s their journey. All we know about is our own.

When grieving the loss of a loved one, it often feels as though life will never be the same and in reality, it won’t. However, over time, people do learn to come to terms and live with the loss. And the memories which initially might have brought tears and sadness hopefully will start to bring comfort and happiness.

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Although grief is normal, sometimes people find the loss of a loved one too difficult to deal with and become very depressed. Remember that it’s okay to be not okay. But if you are grieving and you feel that you can’t cope, please talk to someone. A doctor, grief counsellor or a helpline such as Cruse Bereavement Care could help.