Is pain destroying your social life? Understandably, when pain levels are high, you probably want to curl up in bed. The last thing on your mind is socialising. But what about when the pain levels aren’t quite so high? Do you socialise then, or do you turn down invitations to places or events because your pain might escalate?
Pain can have such a hold over people. They often live with a fear of the pain. Anxiety kicks in and a voice in their head says, “Your pain might get worse. You need to stay at home.” Sometimes this leads to them feeling trapped in their own homes and they can become extremely lonely and isolated.
It’s Important to Stop Pain from Destroying Your Social Life
Nobody wants to cause more pain but if you stay at home all the time and turn down every invitation you receive, you run the risk of pain destroying your social life completely.
Imagine you are invited to a wedding or a special meal, or perhaps you have the opportunity to attend a concert or even make the trip of a lifetime. Do you go and possibly worsen your pain? Or do you stay at home because of what might happen?
Pain “might” get worse. But it also might not. Very often, the benefits of socialising outweigh the negatives. Socialising can give a sense of normality and prevent loneliness. Going out, doing your favourite things, meeting people and having fun can release feel-good endorphins. Those endorphins aren’t available on prescription.
Stop Pain From Destroying Your Social Life
When we get invitations or opportunities to do something or go somewhere, we need to take more time to think about them compared to ‘healthy’ people. We’ve got more to take into consideration. It’s not always easy to give a quick response.
Check the Diary
For a start, we need to check our diaries and it’s not just to see if we’ll be free on the day. We need to check what else is going on through the week. If we have another appointment which we need or want to attend in that same week, we might have to give this invitation a miss. Our energy levels can’t normally cope with two big events and the payback pain from the first event would normally put paid to the second.
Suitability
Then we need to consider whether or not the venue or travel arrangements will be suitable for us. Unless you are going somewhere you know, it’s worth calling the venue or transport company to ensure it meets your needs. For example, do they have disabled parking near the door and disabled access and facilities if you need a wheelchair or walking aid? Will they cater to your dietary needs?
Is Extra Pain Worth it?
Now, the difficult part. We need to weigh up whether or not the possibility of extra pain is worth it. Sometimes it is – I call that good pain.
How do You Decide?
It can be difficult to make a decision like this because, very often, when you live with pain or illness, fear and anxiety get in the way of logic.
To help, I often ask myself questions. I call them WISER questions.
WISER Questions to Help Make Decisions About Social Life
Do I really WANT to go?
- I don’t believe in willingly putting myself through more pain for some things. Spending the day in a shopping mall will worsen my pain and I don’t consider that to be worth it. But I wouldn’t want to miss a wedding or other celebration.
Some things are more worth it than others.
How IMPORTANT is the event?
- It could be important to me or to someone who’s close to me.
If it’s important, it’s worth it.
Will it be SPECIAL?
- Is it a special event? Will I have special memories to look back on?
If so, it’s worth it.
Will it be ENJOYABLE?
- Will I enjoy myself? Will I be laughing, chatting and having fun? Will I be meeting old friends and family? Will I be enjoying scenic views? Will I enjoy tastes, smells and sounds?
If yes to any of them, it’s worth it.
Will I REGRET not going?
- If the previous four questions don’t give me an answer, then this one will. If I’m sure I won’t regret it if I don’t go, then I’m happy to stay at home.
But I don’t want to live life with too many regrets.
It’s Worth Going – What Now?
If you decide to go, look forward to the event, but try to think of ways that you can counteract worsening symptoms or any problems you might encounter.
Prepare
- Have a rest day before the event. Shower the day before rather than on the day. (Showering is often tiring and can be a pain trigger)
Rest and avoid triggers so you can be well prepared beforehand.
Medication
- Remember to take your medication. Don’t ever miss doses and when you’re going out, take your meds with you. If you think you’ll need extra, speak to your doctor.
Time
- If you feel the event will last too long, explain that you might need to arrive late or leave early. Explaining this in advance will make it easier and take some pressure off you.
Triggers
Look at your known triggers and figure out if you can avoid any.
A few suggestions:
- Weather
Check the forecast and go prepared.
If cold weather affects you, take a scarf and hand warmers etc and try to stay indoors. (If you have trigeminal neuralgia, check out this post for ideas)
If heat affects you, wear a hat, sunglasses and stay indoors or in the shade. - Draughts and Sunlight
If those bother you, stay away from windows and doorways. Wear a light scarf and sunglasses indoors if you need too. - Food and Drink
Avoid anything which normally makes your pain or illness worse. Take your own food with you, if necessary. (I often take my own food when I go out because I have coeliac disease. I’d rather be there eating my own food, than not be there at all.) - Talking
Be a listener, rather than a talker. - Sitting
Move around every now and then. - Standing
Sit down, even if it means taking a folding chair with you. - Noise
Take earplugs if noise is a trigger.
Breathe
- Find a quiet place away from other people where you can do some relaxation breathing exercises. Belly breathing can help pain, anxiety and stress. Read more about it here.
Afterwards
- Plan for a couple of quiet days afterwards so you can rest.
Make Plans, But Judge How You Feel on the Day
If your pain is worse on the day and you really can’t go, then cancel or postpone. If you go, but your pain skyrockets, leave early.
Do what is right for you because there’s no point in being there if you are in excruciating pain.
Don’t ever feel guilty about cancelling or leaving early. You live with a health condition therefore there’s no reason to burden yourself with guilt.
Don’t Allow Pain to Take Everything
If you feel your pain is destroying your social life, try not to let it. If you really can’t go out to meet friends, ask them to come to you instead. Living with pain can take so much from us. Don’t let it take everything.
I hope the WISER questions and suggestions can help you if you have a special occasion or outing planned in the future.
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Very good tips and things to consider. I do think a lot of what I do now involves weighing up, as you’ve said, the cost versus benefit, like is it going to be special/memorable/useful etc, and how much is it going to cost now/tomorrow/the next week if I go. Very relatable post and great suggestions like earplugs and preparing to make sure we minimise the impact so we can actually enjoy going out rather than fear and loathe it! xx
Thank you, Caz. I think we should be born with a set of scales attached to us, because we must have to go through life weighing things up. Sometimes it’s easier just to stay at home, but it’s probably not good for our mental health.
This is such a genuine and helpful post. I really like the WISER idea, I’d never heard of it. It’s really helpful and I’ll definitely be using it in future and over the festive period!
Hope it helps, Amy.
This is some great advise! I always think carefully about if something I want to do is worth the pain or not. It usually is!
Thanks Patricia. Yes, very often some pain is worth it.
This is such a great post. I love the WISER questions. And I totally agree that sometimes the pain is worth it. Not thought about it in terms of it being ‘good pain’ before but you’re so right. I always say ‘pain v wellbeing’ to help weigh up my options. xx
Pain v wellbeing is another great way to weigh up your options.