Accepting a New Normal When You Miss Your Old Life

When living with a health problem, people’s lives change. The changes they face can be extremely difficult to come to terms with and, understandably, people often miss and mourn their old life. Accepting this new normal is far from easy, but often acceptance is the key to enjoying life again.

What is Normal?

Normal doesn’t really exist, because it is different for everybody. Some people are physically active while others are happier to relax. Some people have busy social lives, while others prefer solitude. Some people live extravagantly, while others struggle to get by. Some people are fortunate to live with good health. Sadly, others don’t have that privilege.

Everyone’s normal is different. And everyone’s normal can change from time to time whether through choice or necessity.

Accepting a New Normal Due to a Health Problem

When a new normal arises out of necessity due to a health problem, there can be an abundance of issues.

People often lose their independence and might even need help with personal care. They might need to apply for state benefits and cope with financial changes and challenges. There will be changes to work and social life.

Often, they need to accept that an illness is not just life-changing but also progressive, or in some cases, terminal.

As well as physical changes, there is also a huge emotional impact. There’s often anger and a sense of unfairness as well as deep feelings of sadness and regret about the new situation. People miss their old life. They miss being who they used to be.

How Do People Accept a New Normal?

It’s not easy.

I could say look for positives and find alternatives but saying that to someone in the throes of dealing with an adjustment like this would seem trite and unkind. Looking for positives and finding alternatives often feels impossible for many people in the early stages of coming to terms with a new lifestyle due to illness.

Instead, I will say, I understand. I’ve been there. It will get easier to find positives. It will get easier to find alternatives. But it takes time. I will also add that even years down the line, there may still be days when you want to scream and shout that life’s unfair. That’s normal. It’s all part of the new normal.

I’ve Had to Accept a New Normal Several Times

Accepting a new normal due to my health is something I’ve become accustomed to.

My spine changed shape when I was ten years old when scoliosis developed. Accepting that new normal was difficult because I became ‘different’ physically. As a child, that’s hard.

Another new normal I had to accept was pain. Due to my scoliosis, I lived with chronic back pain. As well as that, I developed other conditions such as chronic migraines and trigeminal neuralgia. Pain was simply part of my life. It was normal for me.

When I was 28, I had to take early retirement due to my back pain. This was a huge adjustment. Retiring meant losing more than a monthly salary. My social life was affected. I lost a sense of purpose and my self-confidence disappeared. This new normal was difficult to accept because I wanted other people’s version of normal. I missed my old life.

As the years went on, other health issues were thrown into the mix and each time, I had to accept a new normal. Even my eating habits had to change when I was diagnosed with coeliac disease. After eating whatever I wanted for over fifty years of my life, I suddenly had to change my diet and stop eating gluten. This is more difficult than people probably realise. It was another huge adjustment in my life, which I had to accept.

Accepting the implications of my various health issues, especially my pain, took time. Even now, I have the occasional day when I feel like hiding under my duvet because life is unfair. 

Accepting a New Normal is Like Coping with Grief

When we lose someone we love, we don’t cry for a day then feel better about it. It takes time – years – and the reality is that we never do feel better about it. We grieve and eventually come to terms with the loss.

When our health changes our lives and takes away things we love, there is that same sense of loss and we have to go through a similar grieving process. We have to acknowledge what we’ve lost and mourn it. We have to grieve over the life we no longer have before we can move on and come to terms with the new normal.

It’s okay to admit that we miss our old lives. It’s okay to admit that we miss who we once were. And it’s okay to feel angry or sad and say that life is unfair. Because sometimes it is.

As time goes on, we do learn to cope with the change. But the emotions don’t magically go away – one day we might feel as though we are coping, the next, we might be at breaking point again. And that can happen months or even years later. It’s normal.

Text - Accepting a new normal when you miss your old life. The image is a bright grassy area with red poppies and a tree, but the sky is dark and overcast.

Tips on Accepting a New Normal

Once you find acceptance, life can get easier. There is no magic formula but hopefully, these tips might help.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

You might be in shock or denial at how much your life has changed. You will no doubt be disappointed, sad and perhaps depressed. Stress, anxiety and worry might also affect you. You might feel frustrated, angry and have an overwhelming feeling that life is unfair.

Your feelings are real and justified so don’t ignore them. Instead, acknowledge them, then work on them.

Talking about how you’re feeling is not only therapeutic, it’s important. Writing about it can also be a good coping strategy and can sometimes be easier than talking.

Find Support

Talk to the people you’re closest to. Be open and honest so they understand how you’re feeling. They can’t support you if they don’t know how you are feeling. If you’re really struggling, speak to a doctor or counsellor. Never be afraid to reach out for help.

Finding support from people in a similar situation can also help. Support groups let you see that you are not alone and can give you the opportunity to share your thoughts and vent when you need to.

Give Yourself Time

If a close friend lost a loved one, you wouldn’t expect them to be ‘over it’ straight away. Accepting your new normal also takes time. 

If you’ve been coping well, then suddenly wake up one morning feeling angry or upset, be patient. This is a long journey and there will be many ups and downs along the way.

Be Kind to Yourself

You should always be kind to yourself, but when you’re in the process of a major change in your life, you deserve extra kindness. It’s always good to show kindness, but sometimes you need to put yourself at the top of the list.

Don’t Compare Yourself to Others

Just like grief, accepting a new situation because of a health problem affects everyone differently. Some people accept it quickly, others find more twists and turns along the way. We are individuals, so we all find our own path.

Practice Self-Care

Self-care is so important. Eat well, sleep well and practice relaxation techniques. Do things you enjoy every day. Simple things like reading, watching movies or a favourite hobby can help. Look for small things in life which can help you to smile every day.

Practising mindfulness can also form part of your self-care routine. This article includes submissions from people, many of whom are professionals, on the benefits of mindfulness.

Life Can Get Easier After Accepting Your New Normal

If you’re having difficulty accepting a new normal, I hope this post helps you. I know you miss your old life and feel as though you are no longer who you once were. But you are still you. And hopefully, one day, you’ll enjoy memories from your old life but will also enjoy making new ones.

Everything might feel difficult just now, but hopefully, life will get easier. 

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8 thoughts on “Accepting a New Normal When You Miss Your Old Life

  1. great post………..finding a new normal can take a while to work through………..and I have learned that being kind to myself and allowing myself time to grieve was important. thank you so much for sharing part of your journey!

  2. It’s amazing how resilient we can be. I’ve had a few ‘new normal’ changes in my life – the main one being having to change roles at work and taking a pay cut. I’m pleased to say though that things worked out and I’m more happier than ever in my job. Great post Liz!

  3. Steve

    This is a wonderful post. Thank you! I’m still at a neurologist ‘try this or that drug and see’ stage for TN symptoms after 2 years. It feels hopeless some days. The pain is intense. I’m having to change to a ‘new normal’. x

  4. You’ve said this perfectly, Liz. I’m just so sorry for everything you’ve had to go through and for all the changes you’ve had to try to ‘accept’ and adjust to as a new normal.

    “As time goes on, we do learn to cope with the change. But the emotions don’t magically go away” – That’s so true and we shouldn’t underestimate the mental and emotional impact it can have on us. I think sometimes the changes can hit us harder than we ever really realise at the time, too, and not dealing with them or allowing ourselves to feel however we’re feeling can make it worse, with a bubbling of emotions under the surface leading to bitterness and resentment. It’s not easy, not by a long shot, but we do ourselves a favour when we stop comparing to others and start being a little kinder to ourselves about what we’re going through. xx

  5. Thanks for being honest with your health issues and the struggles you have had to, and still do, deal with. I have TN, along with a whole collection of other issues, so it was good to read a real account of what things can be like at times.

  6. Thanks for the honesty. I’m going through this process, working on the acknowledging and accepting part right now. It’s good to know I’m not alone in wanting to be who I used to be and also that I am still “me”. Just because I have a chronic illness doesn’t mean I’m any less me, I’m just a different version of me.

  7. Claire

    I can relate to this post completely although I don’t have a health problem. My life changed totally when my husband lost his job and we were saddled with huge debts. I grieve for the loss of our old life which was normal and safe.

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